Great Is As Great Does

I. Abhor. Uncertainty.

So...I guess it's obvious that after admitting recently that I don't know "what's up" for my immediate future, I've spent a lot of time feeling uncertain. Aka miserable.

I guess, after my most recent move, I’ve been feeling that I've "turned over a new leaf.” And, somehow, I expected it to say "new things." Surely, this time, the ten year plan would be there. What better time to turn from the daily grind to the dazzling, world-changing life I always wanted?

I wonder sometimes why I’m so easily discouraged by uncertainty. After all, it seems to be here to stay in my life. I know, of course, that part of it is a trust issue. But I've also kind of assumed that my discouragement could be partly blamed on all those many, many people who had expectations of me and my own battles with really wanting to please everyone. And, of course, my tendency to compare myself.

You see, this is the year that many of my high school peers will graduate with college degrees. Others are involved in career or full time ministry choices. This year, for the first time, 75% of the weddings on my calendar are in my age group--the kids I've grown up with!

Yes, by flat comparison, it seems my life has been filled only with general directions, vague hopes, and transient visions. That and cooking, cleaning, making pizzas, paperwork, "ministry opportunities" here and there, answering phones, cooking and cleaning...

It isn’t what I expected to find written on my post-graduate slate, much less the ten year plan. And that's where the Lord has met me. Why do I find uncertainty so discouraging?

Because, perhaps, my ideas of a meaningful life have all been just that. My ideas. I expected that to give me that meaningful life I so want, God would pick one of my ideas and tell me to run with it. God's idea has (obviously) been a little different, and amid my uncertainty lately I've also felt a little disillusioned. I realize that now. And the Lord hasn't neglected to show me why:

"I hear you ask Me what I want you to do for the next ten years--all the time. Why do you never ask, 'What do You want me to do today?'"

Yes, I've been faithful to ask Him about His plans for the future. But I've failed to get His direction for the present. Not having been faithful in the "little," how can I ask Him for "much"? I've been working on applying this lately, though I wouldn't exactly say it's exactly second nature. But, surprise! I've found, too, lately, a contentment different from any I've ever had before. A satisfaction in the small, the insignificant, the mundane. A knowledge that if that's what the rest of my life looks like, it's fine.

Because between God and I it’s all about faithfulness.

So here I am. No college degree. No full-time ministry or mission (as such). No job (and how I dislike job-hunting!). And no Mr. Right. But I've been busy. Cooking and cleaning, unpacking, running errands for my parents, looking for a job (because that looks like "the next thing"), cooking and cleaning...

I’m happy if He is.